Ok, so technically this has nothing to do with parenting and has everything to do with me exercising my double entendre prowess and moisturizing hands. Any objections?

What's in it?

Coconut Oil
High in lauric fatty acids, which is believed to have antimicrobial properties, coconut oil goes on smooth and makes you happy {just kidding}. Coconut oil is a great natural lubricant.

Beeswax
Just a wee bit of this is used as thickener for the balm.

Lanolin (Anyhydrous)
Chemically lanolin is a wax, bettcha didn't know that, then again maybe you did. Anyway, lanolin is great at lubricating, protecting and soothing skin.

Zinc Oxide
This mineral protects chafed skin, seals out wetness, and is antimicrobial.

Sweet Orange Essential Oil
Sweet orange is a cheerful essential oil which smells super yummy.

Cypress Essential Oil
It smells clean like a tree and slightly masculine.

Spikenard Essential Oil
This is the oil that Mary of Lazarus uses to anoint Jesus' feet. It smells sweet and lovely at first and then turns very earthy {some may even say it smells a little like ass}. Reputedly it's helpful with a variety rashes and skin conditions.

Nutmeg Essential Oil
Nutmeg adds a warm, spicey and slightly hypnotic quality to the HJ. Shouldn't every Hand Job be a bit spicey?

Lemon Balm (Melissa) Essential Oil
Although this bright lemon scented herb grows quite freely, it produces very little essential oil and is insanely expensive.

F.A.Q.

So can I really use this for a hand job?
Ah ha ha... you will be disappointed -- it's hand balm. Seriously, don't try it. Mother Effer's would serve you better for that kind of thing.

Is this safe for work?
I can't answer that - but don't blame me if you get in trouble.

Directions

Apply pea-size amount of Hand Job to your hands after washing.

Or place discretely on the bosses desk while they're not looking.

Or hide it in your Nana's pocketbook before she goes to play pinochle at the senior center. Trick-taking games for everyone!

Learn How to Make Hand Job™ Here

Or Buy It Here

Back by popular demand -- the "women are so personal" photo. When I first made HJ I packaged it in a tube but I changed back to the tins because the balm was so stiff that it was a pain in the arse to get out of the tube. Since then, I have recieved a number of compliments on the photo so I thought I stick it back up for your enjoyment. Oh, and the book is: Frances Maule's She Strives to Conquer: Business Behavior, Opportunities and Job Requirements for Women, 1937 ed.

personal women