Mother Effers Va-J-J Jelly™ net wt. 2oz Too dry for a bone? 

~ subtle, no?

At last - the mystery is solved!
I used to wonder why women were targeted by the media for dryness. There are even some {very unsexy} TV commercials selling lube. Was it another made-up "problem" to make women feel inferior and buy more products? I could barely imagine what they were talking about -- until I had a baby.

Oh cruel world -- while you are pregnant your friends and relatives will tell you about their torturous {or sweetly perfect} birth experience and it's after effects -- the hemorrhoids, the pain of engorgement, and how your breasts will never be the same after nursing.

But strangely enough no one ever tells you that there's a possiblity that you may turn drier than the Mohave desert -- until after the birth. {Oh no -- you won't find out much about it on the pregnancy blogs either}.

But soon after -- when you still can't even imagine the thought of doing it -- other moms will drop little hints like, "your gonna need to get yourself something or you will regret it."

Nice.

Until now, personal lubricant has been the missing gift at a rocking Baby Shower.

Well, no more -- Introducing, Mother Effer's Va-J-J Jelly!

 

What's in it?

Coconut Oil
High in lauric fatty acids, coconut oil has a stable shelf life, is an effective lubricant, and does not taste nasty; in fact, it tastes slightly sweet. Anecdotally, coconut oil is said to combat the candida microbe -- How's that for a 2-for?

Beeswax
Just a wee bit of this is used as thickener.

Orange Essential Oil
Used in small amounts to make Mother Effer's Va-J-J Jelly smell extra special.

Ginger Essential Oil
Basically does the same as above but also adds a little heat.

Vitamin E
Generally good for your skin and is an antioxidant.

 

GingerWhat's not in it?

No parabens, glycerin, silicone, or petroleum products

What are parabens and why should I care?
Parabens are preservatives added to many personal care products for the purpose of extending shelf life. It is said that parabens, being endocrine disruptors, may alter hormone levels, possibly increasing risks for certain types of cancer, impaired fertility, or alteration of the development of a fetus or young child. Want some? Didn't think so.

Glycerin, it's like in every lube?
That's because it tastes sweet, but ... it's derived from sugar. For sensitive types, sugar + your VA- J-J = W.T.F !!!

Silicones & Petroleum products
All I can say is, ick. I don't like 'em. Therefore, these things are not included in any of my designer grease pot recipes.

F.A.Q.

Is this a joke?
Nope. This is for anytime your hormones go haywire {post-childbirth, hysterectomy, breast feeding, chemotherapy, or menopause}.

Will it eat a condom?
Yes, all oil based lubes will. Only use water based lube with condoms.

Are oil lubes safe?
Depends. The concern is that oil based products can coat the mucous membranes of your vag and may linger longer thus, encouraging bacterial growth -- however, some of the same bacterial growth issues can be said for glycerin based products. Silicone lubes will eat plastic and spit is, well. . . spit. Hedge your bets in the direction you feel best. You know your body and you know what you do or do not want to put in it. If you're not sure consult your OB.

How long will it last?
A question with multiple meanings.

[1] If you keep it out of the sun and wash your hands Mother Effer's Va -J -J Jelly should stay good for about a year or so after opening. If you put it in the fridge it might keep for about 2 years -- let's just hope that you can use up a 2 oz can in less than a year. {Not that it's any of my business but, if you are keeping your sex lube on ice you might want to see a psychotherapist -- just a suggestion}.

[2] Oil based products like this will usually outlast you, your partner or your machine.

Learn How to Make Mother Effer's Va J-J Jelly™  Here

 

* The contents of our products and any stated claims have not been evaluated by the FDA. Information on our Web site is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. It is provided for informational purposes and is not meant to substitute for the advice provided by your own physician or other medical professional. Please read all product packaging carefully.